Saturday, January 23, 2010

Not the fat face diet, but it should be

Greetings from LA. Yes, my profile indicates I'm located in Mesa, AZ, however by strange twist of fate I find myself temporarily in LA. To be specific, Hollywood. I'm typing away from my mother's apartment on Beachwood Drive. It's probably the road you're most likely to run over a tourist on. They just stand in the middle of the road, trying to get that perfect photo with the Hollywood sign behind them.

Back to diets. I normally do not succumb to diet mania. Yes, I have some extra flab. I am American after all. The thing is, diets are a waste of time. How long do I want to eat grapefruit? Surely even a so called "cookie" diet would get old quickly (and I do love cookies). You're doomed to fail because you haven't made a lifestyle change, you're just denying yourself what you truly want, a sort of punishment really for letting yourself get podgy in the first place. We beat ourselves up all the time for the weakness that gets our bodies looking like the Michelin Man. We take horrible care of ourselves in this country. Constantly bombarded by images of fattening food and lolly-pop shaped actresses, the mixed messages are maddening. Anyone watching the Golden Globes from outer space must have wondered why Ricky Gervais didn't stop the whole thing and just passed out some sandwiches. Some of those actresses looked like they hadn't eaten in YEARS.

But I digress. I am not a dieter. I try to eat healthy, but I have a sweet tooth. I gave up meat about a year or so ago. No, I'm not a vegetarian. The technical term is pescetarian. Tell someone that though, and they'll look at you like you have 3 heads, or worse, think you said Presbyterian, or want you to explain why that differentiates you from vegetarianism. I prefer to just say I don't eat meat.  I've lost all patients with these people. You know, the ones who ask loads of questions, but do not listen at all to the answer you give them, preferring instead to just ask more inane questions.

Still, I haven't gotten to the point. I'm staying here with my Mom, quality time you see. She's a bit of a shut in, due to the fact she's going gray and has gained some weight after triple bypass surgery in 2008. No happiness can be had until weight has been lost. She constantly frets about her weight, trying various diets without success. Some were pricey home delivery of pre-prepared foods, one called Susan's Healthy Gourmet, cost per month, approx $900. Another, the Zone diet from Fresh Direct, cost per month $1000. Adkins diet, this one also got pricey as well, as she ended up eating loads of Parma proscuitto. Susan's Healthy Gourmet had tasty salads (I tried one myself), but the rest of the food was pretty horrible. Bland. I didn't try the Zone (again, don't buy into these fad diets), but according to Mom, the food was pretty good. Adkins, well don't get me started on that. No one stays long term on any of these diets, especially one where you eat loads of proscuitto and end up not being able to poop properly.

This is where everything goes in a surprising direction. Mom has a new diet book. I feel myself overcome with the urge to mock it, why another diet book for your fat belly?  No one wants a fat ass cure diet, that's for sure.  Fat asses are very much in demand, except by lolly-pop shaped actresses.  What about the fat face diet?  Many of us suffer from the fat face, head like an orange, etc.  The back boobs and/or back fat?  They are rampant.  What about the dreaded cankles?  There is a serious lack of diet books targeting these areas, not sure why.  With only a couple of weeks to go before Mom is in NYC and I'm back in AZ, I figure, have a look at it, don't be so judgemental. It's called The Fat Belly Cure Diet. A fellow named Jorge Cruise is grinning mercilessly on the cover. He looks kind of buff but has a strange hairdo. I do notice the book is spiral bound, which I like. I've always thought more books should be spiral bound.  Nothing more annoying than forgetting to mark your page and the non-spiral bound book shuts itself (just to spite you), losing your page.  anyway, Mom starts telling me about the book, how it has easy and tasty looking recipes, easy to follow, and then, she starts talking about what you can eat on the diet. Clearly the diet has been based on the glycemic index. Whole grains, good carbs, strict limits on sugar. I'm instantly interested. Could this be a diet book that actually encourages a healthy eating plan? I've been trying to turn Mom on to these concepts already, so I immediately volunteer to go on the diet with her. Everyone knows that a true lifestyle change only works if you get everyone in the household to go along with it.

We've just finished the first week. I am 4 pounds down, Mom a couple. She's not convinced it's true weightloss from the diet, as she's also had the squits a couple of times this week. Not connected with the diet, I assure you.  Only one problem so far, I think I have lost 4 pounds from my ass.

So, dear reader, I am sharing with you our progress on this so called diet, which I hope it will be a life-style change.  Here's a link to aforementioned book, and stay tuned:

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